You know when you are so used to looking at something in a certain light and then you see it differently it’s like the most amazing thing and you feel so different about it after that second glimpse? I’ve been having that experience for a few months now and collectively it’s come together to make me feel very good about where I am in my life and where I go to school. I have to say, it’s an amazing feeling. I’ve decided it all comes down the state of mind.
Your reality is what you make it. You can sit around having regrets and being unhappy as long as you want to you. Or you can learn to accept things as they are and continue with your life, being as happy as possible. It’s something I’ve been working on teaching myself for several years. I’m one of those people that has a vision for something happening in a certain way, at a certain time. Being a planner and envisioning things for myself has got me a long way in my life, and it’s also led to a lot of unhappiness because of unfulfilled expectations. Until very recently, I was blind to the fact that the reason I like to find fault with CU comes from the fact that until now I had never let go of my unfulfilled expectations.
In my junior year of high school, I told everyone there was no way in hell I was staying in Colorado for school and that as soon as I got the chance I would be long gone from here and on to bigger and better things. I wanted to leave my family, I wanted to leave my stupid hometown and most of all, I wanted to get out of here and move to Minnesota for what seems now, like one of the stupidest reasons to move anywhere. I also entertained the idea of going to Mizzou for journalism school, but most of all I wanted to get to Minnesota. I worked four jobs my junior year of high school because I was convinced that if I worked hard enough and put in all of the hours, I would be able to pay for out of state tuition and would eventually be happy. It was probably one of the worst years of my life. I haven’t ever been more unhappy than when I was sleep deprived, unable to have time for any kind of life and spent any free time I had writing newspaper articles and trying to do well in school. Ironically, I didn’t get accepted to the U of M. I still don’t know why. My grades were more than good enough and so was my SAT score. It was fate that I didn’t end up there. Even though I don’t think I believe in God, something is responsible and now, two years later, I can see that not getting in was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at the time.
But, that didn’t stop me from being so upset with myself for failing at my goal to get out of here. I spend the last few months of high school being disappointed in myself for not doing what I wanted to do and blaming myself for not working hard enough. I saw going to CU as a last resort. I didn’t want to move to Boulder to go to the same school as so many of the people I hated in high school. I learned to accept the idea and eventually became excited about college in general, but not as excited as my peers. As I moved through my first semester at college, it was honestly the worst four months of my life. But since I needed to seem happy to everyone around me, I told my parents I loved it, that I had a ton of friends and that Boulder was the best place ever. I meant none of it. I hated where I lived, I hated the stupid people around me and all I did was wish to be somewhere else. All the time. I wish I could get that time back so badly. What a terrible way to spend any amount of time, especially what could have been such a great semester.
To make a long and complicated story short, things were a lot different for me that second semester. I moved to a different residence hall, started over, I reconnected with people I had known and for the first time in way too long, I lived in the moment and I had the time of my life. I met a lot of people. Some of them I still talk to every day and some of them I wish to never see again. But I let everything happen and just went with it. I finally started accepting where I was and learning that it was home. Despite my best intentions, I didn’t end up going out of state and went to the very place I didn’t want to end up. But none of this matters now. Because this is where I am. And yeah, it’s easy to blame a lot of stuff on Boulder and on the school I go to. But it’s a just a scapegoat for general unhappiness that would be experienced anywhere. And finally, after two years I think I’ve finally accepted that.
After the first half of my education, I’ve fallen in love with everything about my college experience. Yeah some of it has really sucked and I still do stuff that makes me cringe and wonder what the hell I was thinking, but all of these experiences, combined with the ones that make me love my life all come together to make one collecative journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Anyone who says that CU is full of students who do nothing but party is full of shit and I would love to talk to them about how we know how and when we need to do work and we also know that there is a time to let things go and have a good time. My first priority is always my school work and if I want to go out after a tough week, who cares? We work hard at school and a lot of us do a lot of good things for the university and in general. Anyone who tries to tell me differently will not hear the end of it because I’ve finally realized that the thing I was looking for was here all along, I just needed to see things as they were and let go of my false expectations.
